LESSONs from PRISON (10-16-2010)

[Admin Note: This is a journal entry from Matthew's time in prison, recorded on October 16th, 2010]I failed terribly today, and I have to admit, it was well worth it.  I tend to suffer most in the recovery following these moments of failure, but trust that the more I suffer, the more I will eventually have to offer others. Please allow me to explain…I allowed a trivial incident to steal my peace today and I learned a valuable lesson in the process: I can only be stripped of my peace if I let go of it myself.  And let go of it I did —- at least temporarily, but long enough to understand that God's peace is something I should never grip loosely.  After all, how can I expect to share so willingly something I can lose so easily?  I must hold on tighter!I failed not in my actions per say, but in my reaction to someone disrespecting my property.  Instead of calmly addressing the matter, I resorted to selfish, tough guy Matt (and that can only lead to more trouble!).  I quickly realized that giving up my composure and peace because of someone else's irresponsibility makes me the fool.In I Samuel 10:27, Saul was appointed King and a group of rebels disrespected and despised him for it, refusing to show him the honor and reverence that was rightfully his. We find such a beautiful truth at the end of verse 27, "But he held his peace."  On such a monumental day for King Saul, in a situation where he had every right to act in force or retaliate, he simply held onto his peace and composure.  His response to the rebels’ insubordination diffused a potentially volatile situation and kept King Saul’s peace safely within his grip. I am learning so much behind these walls and these temporary falls are helping me realize that my peace will only remain when I intentionally hold onto it through affliction.  I may have lost my grip and dropped my peace, but now I know what to watch out for the next time I'm provoked. I thought my grip was strong but in losing it, I learned how shaky it really was. Looking back on my life, the people who have always ministered to me the most have been those acquainted with suffering. There is something so real about them that it makes me feel comfortable being transparent. Suffering comes in all forms, but if we can learn to keep our composure, we will have more to offer in the end.  Lesson learned."But he held his peace"  (I Samuel 10:27)--Humbled to hold on!